Charles Thomas McEwen

This is actually the last entry real journal entry from Chuck's CaringBridge website.  I thought it should be the beginning here...

13)568/2/10 

Good morning dear.  Here I am writing to you like I have done so many times since you left.  A part of me just thinks you somehow know...

Yesterday was a really hard day for me; just couldn't stop the tears and they seem to be back again this morning.  I think I am going to call Chaplain Jay this morning and see if she can stop by.  Remember her?  You were so weak when she came and prayed with you, I don't know if you remember her or not.  I have to do something.

I have spent a lot of time on widowsnet.com  The people there understand what it feels like to have your heart ripped out and your world stopped.  I read their stories and comments and think "That is right! That is exactly how it feels.".  I hurt and I cry with them. The only bad part is that some of them, many of them, have been feeling like this for much longer than that elusive 12 months.  No wonder I am such a mess when it has only been 5 weeks.  One woman made a comment which I thought was a good one...she said we now belong to an "invisible" club...reserved just for those of us who has lost our partner or spouse...the rest of the world can't see us for who we have become or how we really feel.  Its a really big club and its sad to think that almost half of all the couples in the world will someday become a member.

I have been talking to another person who joined this little society not that long ago.  She is much closer to us. You didn't know, but Les Fleming died a year before you did of stage 4 lung cancer as well.  Talk about someone who understands completely.  Who would have thought that two college room mates would pass away of the same horrible disease at about the same time in their lives?  I don't know if she knows it, but Laurel is a blessing right now to me.  She is right, neither of you should have gone so young. So if you can, look Les up...you two can reminisce while you are waiting.  I'm sure Harlan was right there to greet you and show you around.  Hmmm, in a red pick-up?????

I am going to try to clean myself up and go get some pictures put onto disc later today.  I'm still mad at you for breaking my old computer and taking all those pictures with it.  There are at least two years that are just gone...well okay, sorry, maybe I'll just blame myself for not backing up like I should have.  Another project, another day...

I am glad I kept this part of the site personal...people would think I was crazy...but it helps to talk to you.  I love you.

August 6, 2010

I wish everyone would quit trying to find the right thing to say and just say something.  I have had several people in the last week or so tell me that they would have called “but they didn’t know what to say”.  Here is a lesson for us all:  just...say...something.  Say “Hi, I was thinking of you and I want to say something comforting but I don’t know what to say.” The silence is terrible.  I have read in the grief manuals that "people treat you like death is contagious and they will catch it if they even talk to you about it".  Well, it isn't and it isn't like I won't think about it as long as no one brings it up...Its all I think about right now.  You and the fact that you aren't here anymore.

I went out to the bookstore today…people tell me I should read…a lot.  I wasn't getting any where just sitting here so I went to look for something, somewhere, that was written down. Something that might tell me how to feel like myself again…just a little.  I cried as I looked through the books…they are right there next to all the books about marriage and weddings and fixing your life and learning to be happy…well lets just say that I felt very out of place.  The woman at the checkout was great...and without a word from me just said "Its a hard thing to get through, isn't it?"  I got the feeling that she has had some personal experience with this herself.

Coming into the house I was feeling really low and there was the picture I put out of your shining face with that huge smile and for a moment, just a moment, I felt you, in my heart wondering why I was feeling SO sad when YOU were SO happy.  In that split second I thought I could just call out to you and you would be in the other room, healthy, happy and totally baffled by why I would feel so out of sorts. It was my feelings that felt unreal.  It was my heart that felt unnatural.

Oh, I got some of your things packed away.  Not too much and I felt guilty taking over part of "your" closet. I moved them upstairs.  Alot of your things are upstairs anyway.  Your shoes...well, they made it as far as the hallway.  That is where they still sit.  Maybe I'm just not ready to do this.

August 5, 2010   

Chaplain Jay came by yesterday to visit.  It was a good thing. I felt like I was falling apart…either on the verge of a breakdown or a heart attack, it didn’t matter…sometimes I just don’t know how I will go on without you.  Sometimes I just don’t want to even try.  But we are finding some help…as I said, a good thing.

Its funny that the people I thought would be there are not. But I am also getting support from some where I least expected it.  And the kinds of things that are helpful are a surprise to me as well.  Everyone copes in their own way and in their own time they keep reminding me and so I try to remember that when I do the “crazy” stuff…like knowing for sure that my wedding dress still fits me…and cutting my hair in the bathroom to put back the bangs you used to like…and hauling you around from room to room and making you watch movies with me…well, I did say “crazy”…and hey, at least you don’t fall asleep in the middle of the movie anymore.

I know how much you wanted to take one last road trip.  There were places you wanted to see again and places we loved beyond belief.  I am thinking of going when things get settled.  I would love to take you back to Hacieda Head and wouldn’t you love a trip to Vegas?  Wow, we had some interesting times there…I am making a list…places we loved and places we never got to…who knows what will happen…but at least I am thinking forward a little bit.  Right now I’m trying to figure out just how many celebration of life services we will have for you.  It warms my heart when I hear other people tell of how you have touched their life and the fun things they remember about you.  I know, from all the things you have told me, that most of them have memories they don’t dare put down in writing or think they should share.  It doesn’t matter, I know. And I know they remember.  

You were my life and you still are…someone else said it well…when you marry someone you truly love with all your heart, “till death do we part” only applies to the first one who dies.  This ring will continue to stay on my finger.  I am still your wife. I feel every bit as married to you as I ever did, committed  and completely devoted.  You are still my husband and always will be.  I’m going to try my best to get through all of this as the person you loved and would expect me to be. I love you.

August 8, 2010

Good morning dear.  I just got up a little bit ago, made my first cup of coffee and sat down outside as always to clear the morning fog and contemplate the day.  Of course all I can think about is you.  I am reminded of when you used to tell me that you got up around 5:30 every morning, long before you had to get dressed for work, and would lay on the sofa with your coffee alone in the dark.  I asked you if you made mental lists of the day and the things you needed to get accomplished.

You said “No, I just lay and think about you.”

So many of the small things are coming back to me now; floods of little images, words you said, funny little circumstances.  A month ago I couldn’t remember much of anything except the big stuff.  Maybe my mind was too clouded with the shock of all “this”.  Maybe you are just speaking to me through the images in my head, I don’t know.

Come to think of it, I don’t know much right now.  I used to have such a clear idea of what I believed; now I have mostly questions.  I want something solid and unwavering to hold on to, to trust in, but my entire world has been rocked and turned upside down.  I know you sometimes hated my analogies but when I think of all that has happened, I feel like I am standing in the aftermath of a giant earthquake.  The remnants are still here, but hardly recognizable in relation to what they once were.  I know I have to rebuild. I know. Baby steps…

You would be happy about this though.  I think I am going to your University of Dubuque reunion in October.  Rich and Marilyn have invited me to come and stay with them.  Wasn’t that incredibly thoughtful?  Oddly enough (along with a ton of other feelings) it made me feel validated in your life.  Already, so many people are fading away.  I was starting to feel like the second wife, in second place because we didn’t have our own children (that was a crazy short lived conversation, wasn’t it?) or because I missed so much of your early adult years…the ones that were what…important? 

I was starting to think that your family is THE family you had before me and your friends the people that played the starring roles before we met. It could just be my irrational mental state at the moment…I am sure of it.  I feel so alone and separated from the world. I can’t touch you so I want to reach out and touch those that keep you in their hearts.  Anyway, Rich has already made me laugh a couple of times as he has tickled the memory of old stories I recall you telling; not once but many times.  Its going to be fun to get yet another version…a non-Chuck embellished one.  We had so much fun with them in Vegas and I want to get to know them even better. 

This brings me to another thing…your ashes.  I think just a tiny bit of you ought to live on in Dubuque, don’t you?  I am sure that ceremony will end up being exactly what you envisioned… (smile)…We’ll be serving beer with ketchup and crackers for dinner!

I am starting to think more about what you would want and what would make you smile as you are looking down upon us.  So much for the traditional ideas.  You weren’t really that traditional anyway although you sure wanted certain people to believe you were. Those that really knew you however, know differently, don’t we?

So I think that a little part of you should live on… in the places that you loved, the places where you left your imprint, and the places you would have loved to have been in life.  You wanted one last road trip. Well, it’s going to be a long one. BUT…

To use one of your favorite phrases:  “I think that would be appropriate”.

 August 11, 2010

I haven't written to you in the last couple of days, although I am sure you know that I have talked to you a great deal.  I have been trying to deal with myself and getting my head together a little bit.  I am having those horrible anxiety "shakes" and on top of that, the doc on Monday told me I have major depression...so thanks.  I am trying to get sleep,  eat a little bit better, take care of even more business, and make some friends.  I have met some wonderful women through the widows groups although until now, we have just emailed.  I think the thing that sets them apart is how well they understand and the instant love and compassion they demonstrate.  A couple are right here in our area and I am planning on having lunch or dinner with them sometime soon.  Of course we all have to force ourselves just to get out of the house so that should be interesting.  I also keep working on your memorial site as I can.  It takes a lot of time to contact everyone and write them back after their messages.  You were loved and cared for by many.  But no one comes close to the love I had and still have for you.  I haven't heard from anyone else, so I am working on a memorial service for you.  Something I know you would like.  I keep hearing all the things you told me when we were planning our wedding.  Funny how some of those attitudes cross over. 

Heather is coming over this weekend and I really need to move your shoes and clothes out of the hallway.  I don't know why I am having such a hard time doing that.  I am looking forward to the distraction plus you know how much I like hanging out with Heather.

Tomorrow I am going to finally try to get down and meet with the boat broker.  I have been waiting to come up with a little money since I have to buy that big electrical cord thing first.  I figured that if we are going to show the boat, it should have both electric AND air conditioning.  It has been SO HOT, even at night, that I don't think I would like spending much time outside even if I were perfectly normal.

I love you.  Hold on to that feeling.  I keep wondering if that was you that rubbed my back the other night.  We know it wasn't the cat as he was sleeping far away from me.  If it was you, I am sorry that it scared me.  It really was more of a surprise and my nerves are so raw.  I am starting to get angry with people and circumstances and statements, and attitudes...I hate feeling angry.  I hate feeling so sad, I hate feeling lonely.  Anyway, if you were here, I am sure you will come again...just don't make that silly rustling noise, okay...it's just disturbing because I can't figure it out.

I am starting to remember more and more of the little things we did...the funny, endearing things.  Wow, it is so true that it is the little things in life that make the difference.  I see things with entirely new eyes.  Think that is what they mean by beginning to grow through grief.  I think I will come out and even better person than when you left.  I am just so sorry that you won't be here to see it.

I think it is about time I started putting some of your beloved music on your site.  Everytime I used to ask you what you wanted me to put on the stereo what would you say..."How about a little Marley...or Jimmy Buffett".  That I can do, but I am not going to sit around and watch John Wayne movies in your honor.

Oh, I don't know why I just thought about it, maybe the carribean music...but remember the trip around the island on the golfcart in the pouring rain?  We didn't care, it was beautiful there and we were having fun.  I wish I could find the video we took during lunch that day.  We know we didn't get any pictures because we literally poured the water out of our pockets and unfortunately your camera was in one of them.  That was about the time I thought we were going to start having to get you the little kid version of anything electronic!

Well, I will be back later. I hope I start dreaming about you soon, I would love to see your face and feel your touch...even if its in my mind.  Wherever you are....here's a happy check for you...

August 20, 2010

I am still amazed at how time is flying by.  Day after day turns into week after week.  And now it is starting to become months.  Fall is going to be here before we know it.  Summer was pretty non-existant except, of course, for the intolerable heat.  Today is actually much nicer, the humidity is lower, and its only 91 so it actually feels cooler.  I have gotten a lot done this week; a big contrast to the last several weeks.  Maybe I just don't give myself enough credit.  When I think of ALL that we went through in the last year to year and a half.  To be sitting here telling myself I am getting a little stronger and MUCH wiser as the days go by...I only wish you were sitting here with me.  We thought, we hoped we could beat this thing.  I suppose when God calls, we can't do anything but listen.  We tried though, we really did,  and I would have given or done anything to make it different.

The boat is now listed.  I still have to get some particulars to the broker before he can advertise it and naturally it needs cleaning again.  I just don't know what some of this stuff even is let alone actual specs!  You would have been able to just rattle it all off.  I am working on getting the insurance renewed as well...how can they charge SO MUCH for insurance for a boat to sit in a slip?  Oh well, I will do it, I am sure.